I had that dream again. The one where things are cool until I remember that I'm not the only girl in his life. He's had another girlfriend for a while, and I've been putting it behind me for our sake. One day, I snap when I realize that he doesn't plan on giving up this lifestyle anytime soon. I ask him to be exclusive, and it bothers him. I ask him if he's been using a condom with her, and he skirts the issue. I ask him what's so great about this, and he skirts the issue. He says I'm just going to have to let her go. Why can't he?
I wish I could stop having this dream. Especialy when I'm laying next to him. In his house. In a bed that used to be mine. We're supposed to leave his house in about half an hour to see his cousins a few hours away. He asked me yesterday if we're going to tell them that we're getting married, or if we should wait until he proposes.
Maybe that's why I keep having this dream. In the back of my mind, as much as I know he's exclusive, there's something always haunting me. As much as he's been solely devoted to this concept of "us" for the last six and a half years, there's always the questions...
Could he possibly be ready to marry me? To go through all of that legal tripe to be bound to me in heart, society, and ever after? After being the only serious girlfriend that he's ever had, is it wrong for him to settle so quickly? In these six years, I've brought that up quite a few times. I ask him if he ever sees anything enticing out there, if he's ever thought another girl was attractive. I have eyes, and I occasionally use it to look. I couldn't fault him for ever doing the same. His answer to me? "No. Never. You're it for me." Is he doing himself a disservice? Should he go and sow his wild oats? I feel like I've had my share, and I'm ready. He gives me everything. He gives me an ear, all the support I need, he never attempts to hold me back from anything. He's a feminist, for crying out loud. He's absolutely beautiful, and I still feel like it's the first time I've seen him in years every time he enters my line of vision. There are others that I might think are more outwardly, obviously attractive, but there's no one that could fit my sense of humor, my lifestyle, or my heart as perfectly. Any attempt to find even a friendship that could compare is an exercise in futility (unless you count the relationships that were forged before he came into my life).
I can't keep having this dream anymore. It's so vivid, and he is so nonchalant, so unmoved by my pleas, that it makes me cry in my sleep. I wake to find my face soaked with tears. It could be my way of defending myself for if it should ever happen. I would be able to not be surprised, and I would be able to say, "I knew it." After what I'd been through before, I still find it hard, after all these years, to just let go and put all my trust in him. I thought I knew love once, and he broke up with me, citing, "I could see myself marrying you, and that scared me." Mind you, he was 15, so I could imagine. Turns out, he was actually trying to make a pass at one of my friends. So much for love. Ever since then, I couldn't help but have a watchful eye on Evan's every move, lest I get myself lured into the same trap. At least I knew Ben was a dog. If this happened with Evan, I don't know what would happen to me.
My fear, which is growing stronger each time I have this dream, is that a piece of jewelry and a simple question aren't going to make this go away.